I have had a direction since I was 15. I KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would be an English teacher. I pursued this unwaveringly for 10 years, stepping into my first classroom at 24, full of hope and direction (well, as much as a cynical melancholic can be). I left that classroom three years later resembling very little semblance of a human, much less of myself.
While I have spent the last two years recovering quite well from the experience, I still have not quite bounced back from the lack of direction. When I quit teaching, I divorced a journey to which I was blindingly committed. For this loss, I was not prepared.
Hence the constant dilemma.
So then I decided to work on opening a bookstore - great idea and still in the works BUT for the following:
- This economy
- Personal debt
So I have to wait at LEAST 2 years before I can really pursue anything there - and I doubt I can stay in this shit-sack of a job. (And that's the thing, the job sucks, but the paycheck DOES NOT).
So if I am deeply honest, all I want to do now is go back to school for literature. NOT AT ALL to teach or do anything responsible with the $25k it will cost me to get through the program, but just because I really love it. It will make me a better bookstore owner, yes, but I would be lying if I said that was the motivation.
I am just hungry for knowing.
I have school envy this September. I want new pencils and book bags. I want to wander in the bookstore with a syllabus and find the delicious text books that I simply HAVE to buy for class...I want to go to class in the morning and write, write, write...you know, that coffee-infused time from 9-11 when you forget you exist because your concentration on subject is so keen.
So I am dreaming today of this life - looking at websites and thinking of moving to any school who can accept me and my sad GRE scores. And then, for now, for today - I am content reading Wikipedia's entries on Sylvia Plath and Carson McCullers. After which, I will begin reading T.S. Elliot's The Waste Land and find a commentary on it as well. I LOVE daily assignments.
So in the next 10 years -
- MA in Literature
- Birth a child or two
- Open a bookstore
- Write a novella
See, I am not lost just because I wander.
And yet, there is something sad about solving a philosophical crisis within me with a plan - with a direction. Maybe it's not what I need - though it certainly feels like it. Maybe I need to find a place inside where I am okay standing still with a few years of my life.
But I fear I am entirely incapable of this.