a {book}room of one's own

i have a dream.
i dream of a space all for me.
this space will include, but not be limited to the following:

• books.
• windows with pastoral, bucolic, boreal, or oceanic scapes.
• light {of the natural kind}.
• 18th-century desk like this one.



as seen on domino




• typewriter.
• computer.
• quill, parchment, and ink.
• fainting couch.
• fireplace.
• a bosom-enhancing dress with coquettish lace collar.
• an eclectic selection of music ranging from Ulrich Snaush to Frédéric Chopin.
• an enviable collection of port, brandy, and scotch.
• a replenished [by my butler, of course] tray of cheeses, crackers, jams, fruits, petie fours, and chocolates.
• bright blooms of peony and bells of ireland - or an abundance of whatever is in bloom.
• a camera/photography station.
  

oh how i dream.
in fact, every night as i sit on the side of my bed lotioning my winter skin, i see a collection of pictures from many who also foster this dream for me. a smartly-dressed female on a ladder amidst stacks of books, an owl sitting on an open book, a card that tells me of my dreams...and i sigh, close my eyes, and wish.

and even if it never comes to fruition, at least i have been with my wish every night - and no economy or disappointment can ever take that away.

while we're on the subject,
i also dream of rooms and rooms of books. i think people used to call them librarys and i want one in my home. in my internet wanderings, i have stumbled upon some really dreamy pictures of what i like to call bookrooms.

above and below courtesy of David Tsay Photography as seen on SFGirl

see some of my flickr favorites for desks that would suffice in my dream...



1. 2007-09-13 - Paris - Louvre - Writing Desk, 2. Writing Desk, 3. Jules Verne's writing desk, 4. I want this writing desk

Created with fd's Flickr Toys.



1. My Writing Desk, 2. me and my writing desk, 3. sunny nook 4. writing desk

le sigh trios.
perchances....
mme.

"We must always change, renew, rejuvenate ourselves; otherwise we harden"

at last night's Bastille Day celebration, two references were made to "candace's bookstore" that reminded me that -

hello, i am wanting to open a bookstore.

i get so caught up in the zillions of lives happening around me, and of course and especially my own. i have an apartment to finish decorating, money to make, work that has been increasingly needy, an overworked husband, an active social life, vacations, writing, and reading to attend to.

so working on my business plan has taken a back burner indeed .

but these two delicious comments seeped in and watered the burgeoning seed of my dream.

BOOKLING! i pray to god i see your fruition.

oh, right. what were the comments, you ask.

1. in response to "what are you doing with your life.." ben said, i am going to work at candace's book store. this proceeded to help us dream about when it's slow and he gets to sit on the end of the bar with a pipe and his typewriter.
2. we walked by the cutest little tea shop with a metal tea pot hanging from the sign, and brad admired it aloud. i said we must do as much for Bookling.
3. Julie talked about opening a coffee shop in/around the store and being the in-house gardener.

Just these little reminders - the hints that my friends are not forgetting my dream - and are also dreaming about it themselves - this engenders passion in this book lover's soul.

Also, today I was interested in the GRE vocabulary list that I studied when I took that beastly test. I found a link to one and have been studying it for some of the morning. Take a looksy and use a new word today!

Mine is fledgling - a baby bird; an inexperienced person.

~mme. bookling

p.s. last week's quote was from Mark Twain.

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life

You all know that moment.

It's a sadness unto itself, felt far too seldom, and yet entirely delectable to the soul.

It's 12:30am, and you should have been asleep an hour ago - you have to get up for work! All is quiet in the street outside your window, the oaks waving the midnight breeze into your cracked window. The world is hushed, happily blanketed in moonlight, and where normally your reading makes your eyes heavy - this time, this sweet instance of time when you must be the only person in the world still awake, you are abrim with your own secret world because OH HOLY GOLLY IT'S GETTING SOO GOOD!

and then, oh dispiriting state, you come to the end of a chapter and make yourself peer at the red-numbered alarm clock over your husband's heavy breathing...12:45am, eek. you battle internally - one side fighting for the right to your childhood - to the flashlight under the blankets magic that only a good story can provide - and the other side, oh the other side. the adult knows the child needs rest - for the day forthcoming holds much indeed.

you know the moment.

the sadness, the disappointment, the realization that you simply must not continue your reading adventure with Heathcliff & Catherine, Pip & Estella, Perrin & Ewgene...alas, they must be closed - their journey's paused for your beauty sleep. and it's just so deliciously sad...

you pray (if you still do that childish sort of thing : ) ) that perhaps your dreams, maybe tonight - your dreams will be as exciting, magical, and soulful as your book.

you know the one, the book sitting on your nightstand crying out to you.

wait, wait, little bookling-
your words shall not go unconsumed
like scattered crumbs from my table- non!
you will be savored, every morsel... keep pining for me,
i will hear your plea and return to you yet again.

in case you missed the point, my book is oh so summery and salaciously good. turns out Perrin can talk to wolves. Who knew!?

p.s. last entry was Ray Bradbury. Who knows the author of today's title?

you know i adore thee, yes?
mme. bookling

love's not time's fool

i sometimes laugh at myself. i just feel like i change my mind so easily about so many things.

i mean it.

like two months ago, i was all psychology all the time. i still really love it, and wouldn't mind still pursuing it, but i have moved on to new interests.

and SNAP. i am all of a sudden interested in being an entrepreneur. this just makes me laugh at myself.

and laughing is necessary for us all.

i think for far too long i have discredited the fact that i waver. (and boy do i waver). when i start a new interest, i almost immediately steal the energy from behind it because i know i am going to eventually loose interest. then, i never pursue the thing in the first place.

so through this whole opening a bookstore thing, i am really focusing on not discrediting that i waver. now matter how hard i wish for powers to morf myself into a certain mathematical, even-keeled, immensely logical theologian who never seems to freak out about anything, i am realizing more and more that this existence doesn't give me a choice. i have to be candace.

e
m
o
t
i
o
n
and all.

i haven't left you booklings.

p.s what are you reading today? may your memorial day bring even 15 min with a very good book.

"imagine your pain as a white ball of healing light"**

it's official, i can't sleep. in my defense, i went to bed two hours earlier than usual, but i have been so exhausted lately that i figured it would be good for me. nope. instead, i tossed and turned until midnight - with visions of a new painting, a book, worries and anxieties about the bookstore, julie's wedding, weekend plans, my house, the bookstore, having babies, doubting the existence of god, hurting for friends, missing jackie, wondering about my sisters, the bookstore, joel's twitching, i am going to die and my life is a big waste...oh you know, just the minor stuff.

nor can i even focus enough to write, but i must trust this process - so here goes.

deflated, energized.
overwhelmed, on-top-of-the-world.
nauseated, driven.
oh-my-gawd-you-can't-fucking-do-this, holy-crap-you-know-you-can-do-this!

can i just thank god over and over again for joelio? he is able to take all of my crazy thoughts and encourage me to not loose it.

lemme splain.

i got this amazing email from my cousin, who is this amazing business guy. (who basically needs to be the CFO of booklings - but who can afford him?!!). nothing to his discredit at all, because everything he said is really jazzing me today, but last night, when i got this huge email about everything that needs to be done even now, even just in the INCEPTION phase of booklings, even when she is just an unfertilized egg in my uterus...and boom.

i am
sinking
back
to the
time
where my mother told me'
that i couldn't be an ice-capades dancer because i was too old
and should
have
started
soooonnnneeeerrrr..........

which is really freaking true, but kids - this little girl had ENOUGH of the truth as a child. she needed a little imagination.

correction. needs.

why did adam's email have this affect on me? as i sat on the couch, staring into space...i realized that somewhere tucked in the details of that email was this voice. you know the voice.

what-are-you-thinking?-you-can't-you-won't. what-will-everyone-think.

but then joel said something that broke through this mind-numbing doubt.

it went something like this. "candi, this can still just be something you do for the next ten years. this isn't your life endeavor...this isn't what defines you. if it fails, it's just a bookstore. so we get up, we try again. the point is to have a passion for your soul work, and if your soul is leading you to this - we must trust it." he didn't say those words exactly or even really at all - but it's what i heard.

so now, looking today at the list of things adam wants me to do, i feel better. i feel like a steady comination of this is going to be really hard and you are actually going to be your own boss.

but bear with me, friends. i will be lucky to get a five year plan launched in the next couple of months, and through that, i am sure my process with be soo entirely full of the "catch and release" (thanks kc for the apt phrase) just like candace always was.

when the cynicism kicks in, i am realizing that it's not always bad. it's just not okay for it to be in charge. after all, as my lovely counselor pointed out, my cynicism has served me well. it kept me from evangelical fundamentalism, it kept me from settling in my marriage, it keeps me thriving towards soul work. but when it starts out-shadowing the imagination and positive thoughts, when it's in the driver's seat 24/7, (which is how i have up to now lived my life), then the sinking sick loss of hope freezes me. so the cynicism towards booklings is okay, but not when it strips my soul and tells me that i can't when i know very well that i can.

if details bore you, you may want to stop reading here.

in a practical way,
i am realizing that i need to start really simply. to begin, it will have to be JUST books/alcohol/gifts/venue for art. after that, we will add the other endeavors.

wanna see the questions candace will be working on today?

• What type of customer am I trying to attract?
• Who is my competition?
• What will differentiate my business from my competition?
• What product line(s) will I carry?
• How will I market my business?
• How will I train my employees?
• How many employees will I need?
• How much will I pay my employees?
• Will I offer my employees benefits?
• If so, how much will this cost?
• Where will the business be located?
• What will my costs be? Rent? Electricity? Food costs? Insurance? Labor?
• What will my pricing strategy be?
• Approximately how much money will it take to start the business?
• What do I want the interior of my business to look like?
• What sort of atmosphere am I trying to create?
• What sort of signage will I have on my storefront?
• Where will I get my bread?
• Do I want to outsource my bread making to a known Seattle bakery or bake it fresh daily
• Do I want to make the dough myself or buy dough frozen?
• How do I get a liquor license?
• If I serve alcohol do I eliminate an important "under 21" demographic?
• Where can I get books at wholesale?

**a new game. each of the new bookling post titles will be an excerpt from a book. see if you can guess which book and author from which the quote is taken.