"imagine your pain as a white ball of healing light"**

it's official, i can't sleep. in my defense, i went to bed two hours earlier than usual, but i have been so exhausted lately that i figured it would be good for me. nope. instead, i tossed and turned until midnight - with visions of a new painting, a book, worries and anxieties about the bookstore, julie's wedding, weekend plans, my house, the bookstore, having babies, doubting the existence of god, hurting for friends, missing jackie, wondering about my sisters, the bookstore, joel's twitching, i am going to die and my life is a big waste...oh you know, just the minor stuff.

nor can i even focus enough to write, but i must trust this process - so here goes.

deflated, energized.
overwhelmed, on-top-of-the-world.
nauseated, driven.
oh-my-gawd-you-can't-fucking-do-this, holy-crap-you-know-you-can-do-this!

can i just thank god over and over again for joelio? he is able to take all of my crazy thoughts and encourage me to not loose it.

lemme splain.

i got this amazing email from my cousin, who is this amazing business guy. (who basically needs to be the CFO of booklings - but who can afford him?!!). nothing to his discredit at all, because everything he said is really jazzing me today, but last night, when i got this huge email about everything that needs to be done even now, even just in the INCEPTION phase of booklings, even when she is just an unfertilized egg in my uterus...and boom.

i am
sinking
back
to the
time
where my mother told me'
that i couldn't be an ice-capades dancer because i was too old
and should
have
started
soooonnnneeeerrrr..........

which is really freaking true, but kids - this little girl had ENOUGH of the truth as a child. she needed a little imagination.

correction. needs.

why did adam's email have this affect on me? as i sat on the couch, staring into space...i realized that somewhere tucked in the details of that email was this voice. you know the voice.

what-are-you-thinking?-you-can't-you-won't. what-will-everyone-think.

but then joel said something that broke through this mind-numbing doubt.

it went something like this. "candi, this can still just be something you do for the next ten years. this isn't your life endeavor...this isn't what defines you. if it fails, it's just a bookstore. so we get up, we try again. the point is to have a passion for your soul work, and if your soul is leading you to this - we must trust it." he didn't say those words exactly or even really at all - but it's what i heard.

so now, looking today at the list of things adam wants me to do, i feel better. i feel like a steady comination of this is going to be really hard and you are actually going to be your own boss.

but bear with me, friends. i will be lucky to get a five year plan launched in the next couple of months, and through that, i am sure my process with be soo entirely full of the "catch and release" (thanks kc for the apt phrase) just like candace always was.

when the cynicism kicks in, i am realizing that it's not always bad. it's just not okay for it to be in charge. after all, as my lovely counselor pointed out, my cynicism has served me well. it kept me from evangelical fundamentalism, it kept me from settling in my marriage, it keeps me thriving towards soul work. but when it starts out-shadowing the imagination and positive thoughts, when it's in the driver's seat 24/7, (which is how i have up to now lived my life), then the sinking sick loss of hope freezes me. so the cynicism towards booklings is okay, but not when it strips my soul and tells me that i can't when i know very well that i can.

if details bore you, you may want to stop reading here.

in a practical way,
i am realizing that i need to start really simply. to begin, it will have to be JUST books/alcohol/gifts/venue for art. after that, we will add the other endeavors.

wanna see the questions candace will be working on today?

• What type of customer am I trying to attract?
• Who is my competition?
• What will differentiate my business from my competition?
• What product line(s) will I carry?
• How will I market my business?
• How will I train my employees?
• How many employees will I need?
• How much will I pay my employees?
• Will I offer my employees benefits?
• If so, how much will this cost?
• Where will the business be located?
• What will my costs be? Rent? Electricity? Food costs? Insurance? Labor?
• What will my pricing strategy be?
• Approximately how much money will it take to start the business?
• What do I want the interior of my business to look like?
• What sort of atmosphere am I trying to create?
• What sort of signage will I have on my storefront?
• Where will I get my bread?
• Do I want to outsource my bread making to a known Seattle bakery or bake it fresh daily
• Do I want to make the dough myself or buy dough frozen?
• How do I get a liquor license?
• If I serve alcohol do I eliminate an important "under 21" demographic?
• Where can I get books at wholesale?

**a new game. each of the new bookling post titles will be an excerpt from a book. see if you can guess which book and author from which the quote is taken.